is that what I look like from behind?
Monday, March 1, 2010 at 7:47AM During a break in the rainy weather this weekend, we all piled into the car and went to the beach to see tide pools. "Get your coats!" Father Bird shouted as we went out the door, "It's gonna be coooold out there!"
Some of us obeyed.
Others did not.
I had given Father Bird the camera. I'm often the one behind the camera, and sometimes it's a bit of a drag. This time I wanted to point things out, wonder about things, and run down the beach with my children, things that are hard to do with the bulky, heavy lens-that-nearly-ruined-our-marriage pressed to my eye or banging at my side.
Which meant that I was in the pictures. When I open a set of pictures taken at any given event, I try to understand what story they tell. But when I looked at the photos from Saturday, all I could do was stare at myself. Why does my hair look so nasty? Wow, those were not the best shoes to wear to the beach on a rainy day. And, when I saw this one,
Do I REALLY look like that from the back?? I'm not sure how I thought I looked from behind, but I'm pretty sure this is not it. I think I must have thought those jeans looked better on me than they actually do. I think my hair was supposed to be better.
Once I got over the fact that my from-behind-myself self image was obviously skewed, though, I looked at what I was doing. My son, who had completely ignored his father when he'd said, "Get your coats," was cold. I had gotten my coat, and I was not cold. As soon as we got out of the car he began to complain about how cold he hadn't known it was going to be. And I thought, as we descended the million-and-one stairs down the cliffs to the beach, as I watched my children fan out and begin to exclaim in wonder over the life caught in the pools in the rocks, that I could react in one of two ways here. Either I could say to him, no, son, your father said get your coat, and you did not, and now you need to be cold so you'll remember, or I could take off my coat and give it to him, at which point I'll be cold.
What do I want to teach him today, I wondered.
Then I thought about the grown man that he will someday be. Someday he'll be faced with the same type of decisions that I was faced with Saturday. Do I want him to turn to other people and say, "you made your bed, now sleep in it"? "I brought my coat, and if I gave it to you, I'd be cold."?
Or do I want him to see discomfort, and know immediately what to do? Will he remember when someone took off her coat and gave it to him, and went on through life being cold herself? Will he unbutton his jacket when someone else needs it, and give it freely away?
Oh, I hope so. I hope that's what I look like from behind.
~MB~
Reader Comments (16)
You are such a good mom. And you're beautiful, too, so hush about the jeans and the hair. :)
I think you look like a skinny-minnie from behind and I'm going to go purge for the next 3 weeks thankyouverymuch.
Wow; what a beautiful and thought-provoking post. (and your hair looks gorgeous!)
I love it!
What a lovely post! How fun to end up in pictures and yes, I agree...you look great..worry not. Funny how we get these ideas about how what we cannot actually see appears. Hee hee.
Aww, shucks, guys, I'm blushing. Thanks.
Sweet. All of it, pictures included.
This is my first time here. I came over from Here in the Bony Glen. I agree that you look great and this is a beautiful story. I can't wait to explore your blog some more.
Welcome! Thank you for the kind compliments. Feel free to poke around as much as you like.
just lovely, what a beautiful lesson! And I thought you looked fine from behind, pretty slim, too...it's just those jeans, I think jean makers have given up on designing the back-end, they all just kind of hang.
I loved this post! Thanks for sharing! :-)
That was a thoughtful and inspiring post. I visited here from a link from Melissa Wiley's blog. I've never read your blog before but I may just have to visit again!
I love that you chose compassion over consequences. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for writing this. Just as Lula Lola said above me, I als love that you chose compassion over consequences. I hope that I will always have the strength to remember to do that.
Thankyou so much for these lovely words. What a beautiful perspective to have when looking at yourself in a photo - something I must remember to do more of from now on I must admit! We can be so critical of ourselves as Mothers!
We women are so hard on ourselves. You are beautiful, inside AND out! Thanks for sharing your story.